Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
