Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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