I feel great
I just peed on a car
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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