When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
