Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
