There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
