I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
