watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
