you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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