Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
