Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you didnt know i had herpes?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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