Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize