My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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