i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
