I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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