life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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