Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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