how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
