I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
