i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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