guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
