i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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