Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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