I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
