Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
