I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
