she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
