an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
