Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
