i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You have to summon your inner elephant
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
