The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
