Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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