my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
