im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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