Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
