my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
