I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
