i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
