im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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