i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Watching her eat just hurts me
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
