They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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