Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I need a beard to bite.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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