why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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