I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
