Don't make out with my wife yet
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
