i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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