I think my fart just growled at me.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
