I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
so that wasnt chicken after all
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Randomize
