well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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