so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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