I could make wine with my vomit
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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